#7

“I’m fine.”
          I’m terrified.
          Hands squeezing my throat.
          ‘You get what you deserve.’

“I’m fine.”
          I’m worried.
          Forced to make a choice.
          Ended a 5 year relationship.

“I’m fine.”
          I’m worthless.
          Arrived at rock bottom.
          Shamed for taking care of myself.

“I’m fine.”

 

-J

#6

I wrapped my arms around my knees saying, “I just want you to be happy.” From my perch on the toilet seat, I watched her eyes dart to mine and then slide back to studying the swirling water in the bathtub. “If you are going to die in the next couple of years, I don’t want you to feel like you missed out on something just because you wanted to stay with me.”

“What if you fall in love with someone else? I don’t want you to stay just because you feel like you have to.”

I paused and thought about the last several months of our relationship. In many ways, it was a lot better than it used to be: we actually spent time together doing things we enjoyed, we looked forward to seeing each other, we tried to be good to each other. But at the same time, things were worse: I did feel trapped by the responsibility I felt for taking care of her, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to marry her (even if it was just a ceremony and not an official marriage because of her medical debt), and I didn’t feel appreciated, happy, or secure in our relationship.

Her illness didn’t erase the problems we had or make me forget how many times she had cheated and lied in the last 5 years. I had tried my best to forgive her and put my bitterness aside in order to be a good girlfriend, but those things still happened. I knew in my heart that she was still in love with one of the people she cheated on me with, and that she mentioned before that she wasn’t sure monogamy was for her. I thought my love for her would be enough, and that I was okay with all of those things as long as, at the end of the day, we had each other.

“Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but right now my main concern is taking care of you. I don’t have any plans for leaving you.” We both cried, and I hoped that my friendship with A would fall under the newly-formed ‘open relationship’ terms and I could rationalize away my guilt for starting to fall for her.

#5

Since it was late, we decided to cuddle up and watch TV to fall asleep. I changed into sweats and curled up next to her, trying not to put my cold feet on her leg and contemplating how close I should get. I was trying to watch the show, but I could only focus on the parts of my body that were touching hers. I’m surprised she couldn’t feel my heart beating against her. I hoped she was thinking the same things I was.

She pulled me closer and my heart felt like it was going to come out of my chest. She put her lips to my hairline and I stopped breathing. After what felt like forever, I looked up at her and she leaned over and kissed me.

Simultaneously, my brain couldn’t process what was happening and was working in overdrive. I felt tingly all over, and pressed closer to her. I had never been kissed like that. All the words we had spoken and all the emotions we had shared passed between us in that moment. The pain of our past, the excitement for the future, the anxiety of the present, every tear, every smile, and every uncertainty ignited a fire inside my belly that spread and pulsed through my extremities.

#4

You lied to me.
You broke my trust.
You cheated on me multiple times, with multiple people.
We broke up.
I forgave you and we got back together.

You ignored my feelings.
You didn’t make me a priority.
You blamed me for all your problems.
We broke up.
I forgave you and we got back together.

You said you resented me.
You told me I wasn’t your first choice.
You told me you didn’t think monogamy was for you.
We broke up.
I forgave you and we got back together.

You called me names.
You threatened to kill yourself.
You put your hands around my neck.
We broke up.

I can never forgive you.