Day 18 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

18) How does your gender factor into your future plans?

My gender is a constant reminder that I am different from a lot of other people. Even when I am wearing the most feminine thing in my closet, I always have a thought like, “These people don’t have any idea who I really am.” This makes me be very cautious about my presentation sometimes depending on where I am going and who I will be with. Sometimes I don’t give a shit, but one day, that might get me into trouble that I can’t easily get myself out of. I want to be able to work for and with people that don’t care about my gender to the point where they will discriminate against me or look down on me because of it. I have worked with people that give the impression of being open and accepting, but then give back-handed compliments like, “Why did you put all that make-up on, just to wear pants and a tie?” It’s frustrating and impossible to explain to a lot of people who have not gone through the classes I have to understand just how much the gender binary doesn’t exist and all these things that we push on people are utterly ridiculous. So in conclusion, I guess my gender really only affects, at this time, the kinds of jobs I want to have in the future and the kinds of people I want to work with. If an employer has a very strict dress code and cannot accept my gender presentation as it happens that day, then I probably should not be working for that individual.

Day 17 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

17) How do you, or would you, deal with being misgendered?

I just smile and continue on with my day, as long as it’s not in a way that calls me out. For example, if I get called, “Sir” out in public I just continue on with my day, but if someone tells me to get out of the women’s bathroom, I confront them and put them in their place. There are some things that are not worth fighting in the present moment, but trying to police my body in spaces that are supposed to be safe is not okay in any context and I will give you a piece of my mind as a result. I have a slight frame, so the times in which I have told a woman off for policing my bathroom preference, they were surprised at the ferocity with which I came at them and how my body language changed in an instant. I have not yet had the courage to do this to a man, but generally when men call me, “Sir” and then hear me talk (since I have a rather high-pitched voice), they have their own battle with themselves about what to do and their dilemma gives me pleasure. It’s like I’m not masculine enough for them to continue to call me sir, but they are frustrated with themselves for thinking that a person was a man long enough to even call them sir in the first place. So far, this is enough to let me continue to be solid in my gender.

Day 16 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

16) Name some media you connect with queerly.

I am not even sure what this means…….. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Day 15 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

15) How do you deal with gendered things? Clothes shopping, bathrooms, forms, etc.

First and foremost, I disagree with the ways that many forms are laid out and answered simply from a sociological perspective, regardless of my gender identity. Whenever a form asks for a person’s gender, the individual often answers using their biological sex. This is a fundamental failure on multiple counts: 1. People are further reinforced to believe that sex and gender are equivalent, 2. Those individuals who do understand the difference are questioned on a regular basis for putting “woman” or “genderfluid” in the blank labeled gender instead of “male” or “female,” 3. Institutions refuse to change or alter their language because they do not believe that there is anything to gain from doing so, 4. Individuals who identify outside of the gender binary feel ostracized from many institutions due to not feeling as though they have representation or priority at that place. Due to this, I was always obnoxious when it came to filling out forms. Before I found the label “genderfluid” I would write in “woman” wherever there was that option, and if boxes were provided, I would mark “Other” and write in woman. Also, if the prompt was “Gender” and the only options were “male” and “female,” I would mark out the word “Gender” and would write in “Sex” instead, since that is actually what they were asking in that instance. In other words, I was the biggest dick on all forms I had to fill out and probably messed up people’s statistics, but hopefully someone along the line has noticed and will work on their terminology.

But I digress…..

Moving back to something a little more normal to be upset about: shopping for clothing. I hate the dichotomy of clothing sections. Why can’t there just be a bunch of clothes everywhere that are labeled by size instead of by who is “supposed to” be wearing them? I don’t like feeling like an invader when I go into one section or another, especially when I go in the the opposite section than I am presenting that day. There are other days where I want to wear those clothes! So everyone’s silent judging of me is unwarranted and frankly an invasion of my privacy. This is a similar sentiment I feel about bathrooms. I have been told to get out of the women’s bathroom on multiple occasions, but I have a generally feminine figure, so I would not feel safe in the men’s bathroom unless it was at my place of work or a place where I know most of the individuals there, not in a public place. I don’t honestly know whether or not I would be harassed more or less in the men’s room than I am in the women’s, mostly because men tend to keep their mouths shut more often than women do, but at the same time, I do not know if I would be taken advantage of in a physical way instead of just a verbal assault. I have never been afraid of being beaten up or raped, but I suppose that both of these are very real possibilities in my future if I continue to challenge the gender binary.

Day 14 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

14) Are you part of the Gender and Sexuality Minority community?

Yes I am. At this time, there are more individuals who identify as cisgendered heterosexuals than any other combination of gender and sexual orientation. Thus, I am a part of a minority regardless of whether or not I believe that there needs to be this distinction. In time I think that people’s gender identities and sexual orientations will not matter, but that is a long time coming especially since there is still institutional racism and people have been fighting that a lot longer than people have been fighting for LGBT+ individuals’ rights. At the same time, there is not much of a community in the way that people tend to think about community. We are not tight-knit, or loyal to each other. We actually tend to be harder on members of the GSM community than we do on those who are not a part of it. So while I am in the Gender and Sexuality Minority, I am not really a part of a community, which saddens me and makes me feel out of place in a way that the GSM Community is supposed to change. It’s supposed to make you feel less alone, but you are actually policed by 2 communities instead of just one when you are part of a GSM which makes you feel more alone than ever.

Day 13 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

13) How has your family taken it or how might they take it?

My family took my sexuality in stride, so I do not think that they would take my gender presentation preference much differently, but I am not positive. As intelligent and understanding as they are, there are some things that you can’t reteach based on socialization at a young age. I think they might have more questions regarding this than they did about my sexuality because I have always been kind of a tomboy, so they wouldn’t understand the need for a separate label for something that they just see to be a part of me. Which sometimes make me question whether I should even be labeling myself in this way at all.

However, if my gender identity continues to change and I want to move more into changing pronouns and such, then I would definitely take comfort in the label and use it more often to describe me instead of keeping it to myself. Then it might help them to understand a little more of what I am going through instead of just varying my gender presentation on a regular basis, which I have been doing for a very long time in their eyes.

Day 12 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

12) Discuss your relationship with the term transgender.

Trans-, as a prefix, simply denotes a movement or change from one thing to another. So once a transition is complete, then an individual is no longer trans* but just is. Right? As a word I take a little bit of caution with it because it seems as though the word itself is migrating from its roots which could cause confusion down the road, but as a concept I like the use of transgender to refer to people who are changing from one gender to another. However, this become sticky when thinking about changing from woman to genderqueer or genderqueer to agender. Is this still considered transgender? Or is this term used exclusively for MtF or FtM individuals? And again, once the transition to whichever gender you are wanting is achieved, continuing to use transgender as a describer implies a constant state of transition as opposed to a state of being.

So I guess, in summary, my relationship with transgender is one filled with confusion. Am I thinking too far into things and over-analyzing terms instead of accepting them as they are? Is this analysis detrimental to the community as a whole or are these questions that need to be addressed in order to move forward in the long run?

Day 11 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

11) Your first experience with a GSM organization or event.

Before I came out, I joined my college’s Gay-Straight Alliance, Love Out Loud, and attended a few meetings. This was my first experience with GSM individuals. I don’t really remember what the meetings were about, but I do know that I was confused and overwhelmed, which gave me a lot to think about with regard to my life.

The next event I really remember, was going to a Pride Parade in Indy with my best friend. There were so many rainbows and hand holding and half-naked people. I was exhilarated and enthralled with the excitement of it all. The atmosphere was electric. Everyone was so happy and proud, and I wanted to feel the same way. I didn’t know what to look at or what to focus on; there was so much happening all at once that I was overwhelmed, but in a good way. I wanted to see more, do more, experience more. My senses were not operating fast enough and I felt like I was missing something important no matter which way I turned.

Day 10 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

10) Are you taking any steps to physically transition?

I currently have no intention or desire to change my physique. I would rather use my clothing and behavior to present my chosen gender expression for the day, than change my body to try to fit my idea of myself, because honestly, I don’t think that I would like my body any better if I masculinized it through the use of testosterone or by plastic surgery to enhance my more feminine features. I would only like those physical changes on certain days, and I don’t want to limit myself by going too far in one direction or the other so that limits my other presentations. I can mask or enhance my curves with varied clothing choices, so I do not feel like my body is ever betraying me unless the clothes I chose to put on in the morning do not match my gender preference by noon.

Day 9 -30 Day Genderqueer Challenge

30 days, 30 posts, and 30 opportunities to dig into who I am!  Every day I aim to answer these questions, in chronological order, as best I can.  The 30 Day Genderqueer Challenge is taken from the tumblr Genderqueer Identities.

9) What have you done or plan to do to socially transition? Pronouns, name, coming out, etc.

I am not sure if or when I would officially socially transition and introduce myself as genderfluid specifically. At this time, I don’t think that coming out would enhance my life in any way. I am comfortable with my varied gender presentation, but at this time I do not want to change my pronouns or my name with these transitions, so coming out as genderfluid is a bit of a mute point. If at some time I want to also use fluid pronouns or a more gender-neutral name, then I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I guess I am a little green (read naive), in this aspect, in that I don’t understand the benefit of proclaiming my gender when the label is really only functional to make other people understand a little bit better the way I approach my gender, not a way to define me as a person, which is what I think coming out at this time would do. Until I heard about the terms of genderqueer and genderfluid, I was fairly comfortable just being myself without a label, so until that changes, coming out is not something on my radar.